Loneliness

Loneliness is one of the biggest killers of a loving relationship or marriage. It’s possible to be lonely when you are together as well as when you are apart.

We have experienced both types of loneliness in our marriage and the effects have been devastating both times.

Our first experience of loneliness came during our courtship years. We had enjoyed an intense year at University, spending lots of time in one another’s company, talking endlessly, getting to know one another’s convictions, beliefs, ambitions…. It was a beautiful season of close friendship and fellowship. And then, abruptly, there was an uprising on campus, with students protesting against the brutal military regime of General Sanni Abachi. The campus was shut down and everyone dispersed home for an unspecified period of time. Unknown to me at the time, that was to be my last time schooling in Nigeria. 

In October of that year, I arrived at cold, wet, Manchester University, my father’s Alma Matta, as a second year transfer student from Obafemi Awolowo university.

The love of my life was several miles away and in the days before mobile phones (yes, those days really did exist), we had no easy way of communicating. We relied on snail mail, and whenever I was able to rustle up some change, long distance phone calls from a coin operated telephone booth.

I missed my soul mate terribly. And he me. Desperately lonely, we both soon found solace in other people’s company, forming unhealthy relationships that threatened to destroy our bond.

Yet, despite the mutual betrayal of our promise to be faithful to one another, we were held together by a bond that was greater than our frailties. The relationships we formed with others did not have the same degree of soul connection that we shared. While those relationships were precious in their own way, they were fundamentally unfulfilling and a counterfeit to the real thing.

By God’s grace and mercy alone, we found our way back to one another, we did the hard work of forgiveness and reconciliation and a few years later, we were happily married.

We resumed our intense love for one another’s company in the first few years of our marriage. It was beautiful. Just like the old days. We went on silly adventures together and we talked and laughed a lot. We had very little financially, but that didn’t bother either of us much. We were happy and carefree.

Then children started to come along, and the demands of family life and the necessities of needing to pay our bills and put food on the table began to take its toll.

We needed to build our careers and fast if we were not going to drown in debt. We lost our joy in one another, and spent more time in strained silence or senseless bickering.

We stopped being a team and didn’t enjoy being in one another’s company. We started to drift apart. This time, the loneliness persisted despite the fact that we shared a home and a bed. These dark times lasted for several years and took its toll on us and on our children also.

Then COVID came. And it became impossible to avoid one another. I started to go on long prayer walks like the one I am on right now and the fog on my heart began to lift. I listened to different sermons by a preacher that I loved and respected and I began to notice the log in my eye. The unfair and unloving ways in which I was treating my husband, the deep disrespect that I showed him through my words and actions. And I began to repent. I knew we needed help but hubby was resistant to having outsiders meddling in our business. He was of the opinion that we would only end up hurting each other more with unguarded and unfiltered comments in front of a stranger. So I had to find us help some other way.

I scoured the internet for marriage courses and stumbled upon a book called His Needs, Her Needs that seemed to have good reviews. I bought the book for myself and started to read it. It was an eye opener, going into greater depth than the sermons I was listening to. I found so much understanding of why we were the way we were. And how some things won’t ever change and that was ok. I made peace in my heart with my forever friend and my attitude towards him began to soften.

I affirmed him, I trusted him more, I challenged his decisions less. And I found so much freedom and peace.

I bought the workbook that accompanied the book and tried to get hubby to read the book. This was first met with the usual resistance but from time to time, I would share a paragraph from the book with him and it would resonate with him. I don’t know what made him pick up the book but eventually he did. And he read it all. We had turned a corner.

From a place of deeper understanding of our individual needs, we were able to let go of long held resentments and expectations. Our friendship was rekindled. We started to laugh again, we started to date again. We had found each other once more.

So now we are in phase 3 of our relationship. The children are grown up now, and grand-patenthood is around the corner. New realities await us. We are shaping a new normal.

Today we share an office, we work on each other’s businesses, and we are excited to hang out together – just like the good old days.

We still spend periods of time apart and while physical distance is unavoidable, we are not lonely anymore. Thanks to tech, even when we are not in close physical proximity, we are in touch multiple times a day, our heartbeats remaining  in sync.

I don’t know who I am writing this for. But if loneliness is plaguing your relationship, do the hard work of finding yourselves again. For us, we were able to achieve this through the pages of an old fashioned book written by an elderly couple. For you, it might be something else. But if you can weather the lonely years and rediscover yourselves, you will realise, as we did, that we always  had what we were looking for all along. The treasure we sought was right there, waiting to be rediscovered.

I don’t believe that our journey towards one another would have been possible without our shared faith in God. Ultimately, I believe He orchestrated the circumstances that led to our reconciliation to one another. But, as always, He shows the way but the decision as to whether or not we take the path remains ours to make.

Here is a link to His Needs, Her Needs on Amazon (not an affiliate link): https://amzn.eu/d/0e5fK7o3. It’s available on Kindle also.

Ditch the goals….build the systems

Whenever we enter a new year, the air is thick with talk of new year resolutions. What you should have in your resolutions. How you should go about deciding what makes the list etc etc.

Rarely do we hear talk about what systems need to be in place to make the achievement of those resolutions remotely possible. No wonder that before the end of January, most people become disillusioned and give up on their resolutions for that year.

I’ll give you an example. As a music educator, I have the privilege of interacting with many amazing families from all over the world, many of who, mostly, want the same thing. Well rounded children who excel in the arts as well as the sciences. They want to give their children as many skills as possible so they have options in life.

I fully understand that sentiment as a mother of three, now grown children.

What is often missing though is the parent’s understanding of how to sustain that dream over a long period of time.

The most successful music parents that I see are those who integrate the child’s music education as a lifestyle choice for the entire family. Not just for the child.

They are often within earshot of the lesson and / or practice. They regularly listen to the child’s practice and offer their suggestions or words of encouragement – you don’t have to be a trained muscian to be able to share a helpful comment!

The musical instrument is positioned in the heart of the home. Not in a dingy, underused and uderloved space which subconsciously communicates the idea that learning to play an instrument is a form of punishment.

I go into a lot more depth in this webinar – Successful Music Parenting.

In a nutshell, the less you focus on goals, and the more you focus on the systems and processes that are required for success, the more likely you will see the success you seek.

So parents, ditch the goals. Build the systems. And watch your babies soar!

My name is Kunbi Osinoiki, wife, mother, daughter and CEO of Kunbi’s Music Company.

No Resolutions This Year

It’s day 7 of 2024, and the only resolution I have made this year is to make none. I think New Year resolutions are overrated. Why wait 365 days to resolve to make a change when you can do that every minute of every day? This year, I resolve to be strong. To do many hard things – and win. That’s my anti-resolution in a nutshell.

What’s yours?

Transitioning…

All glory to God! Yesterday marked the end of our last Christmas term as parents of a school age child.

In 2023, we will slowly but surely experience more “last ofs” as we march inexorably towards the end of our daughter’s final year of secondary (high) schooling. How time flies. Exactly 25 years of nursery, primary and secondary schooling is coming to an end. A phase of life that was incredibly intense and exhausting, physically, emotionally and financially.

As we slowly emerge out of this phase of life, I am grateful to have done so with my hubby and closest friend still by my side. At one point in our lives, we didn’t think we would get through this phase of our parenting journey with our relationship intact. The fact that we will and that we eagerly anticipate doing life together as empty nesters is a testament to the grace, kindness and patience of God. He saw us through and He continues to be the anchor for our souls and our relationship.

Underneath all of who we are and who we are becoming are indeed the Everlasting Arms. ❤

It’s my birthday today.

And I am so grateful to God for the journey of the last 25 x 2 years.

As I look in the mirror, I see myself, 25 years ago, a first time mum to a three month old gorgeous boy with whom I was (and continue to be) besotted. I had just started a new role as an IT consultant with a firm in the UK and my husband was rapidly rising in his career at the time as an computer programmer. Three years later, I packed in my consultancy job to sing nursery rhymes to children, as I could not bear the thought of someone else looking after my son after school.

I bought into an early years music education franchise in the UK and I fell heads over heels in love with the work. Although the hours were long and the pay was a pittance, I drew strength from the joyful expressions on the faces of (most) of the mums and children whenever they came through the doors for their weekly singalong. I loved watching the children grow out of their car seats and start toddling around the room, paying no attention (it seemed) to my crashing cymbals and unending chorus of “Everybody do this”. I said to myself, I would do this for five years, until my little boy was attending school full time and then I would go back into the corporate world.

Fast forward to today, and I am still creating music learning experiences for children. I never did make it back into corporate life but I did spend some time in education, working in various schools in the UK, supporting children with special education needs and also as an administrator to busy special needs departments in schools.

I still love the way the process of learning music affects children’s lives in the most profound ways. I now have a team of passionate educators and administrators working with me to impact children’s lives through music and every single one of them are joyful witnesses to the power of music to change the narrative of children’s lives.

In 25 years time, on the third anniversary of my 25th birthday, when I look in the mirror again, I would love to gaze upon a sea of innumerable children whose lives and life outcomes have been transformed through music.

Too many children in my beloved home country and continent, have little or no experience of touching a musical instrument until their late teens. I know this because some of those children are on my team today, using the skills they first acquired in their late teens or as young adults.

Access to structured music making experiences are out of the reach of the majority of the Nigerian population, despite the huge impact that our music is having on the world.

So I wish to change that narrative for one child. I don’t know his or her name, I don’t know what they look like, but I do know that if they are able to connect with quality music learning experiences, it will change their life story forever.

I have no need for more clothes, shoes or bags. There are not enough days in the year to wear them all in any case. What I do need is your hand behind my back, propelling me forward towards touching one child’s life at a time, and helping that child to grow in confidence, character, cognition, creativity and courage.

My team and I will be grateful for every kobo, cent, pence, shillings, rupees or any currency that you can spare. Please email “Making A Difference” – mad@kunbismusiccompany.com to find out ways in which you can support this cause.

And thank you, for wishing me a happy 25th birthday – reloaded. :)x

When Life is Stranger than Fiction

In a few days time, it will be the 2nd anniversary of the day the Nigerian government announced the very first nationwide lockdown on account of the COVID pandemic.  

I remember the fear and uncertainty that many of us felt at the time. The worries around job security and concerns for the safety and wellbeing of our nearest and dearest.  The grief and loss that we experienced on so many levels – loss of liberty, livelihoods, lifestyles and loved ones.

Just when it seemed as if COVID was finally loosening it’s grip on our lives, we were hit by a tsunami of fuel scarcity, power cuts, rising inflation, plummeting foreign exchange rates, political uncertainty and a war that has the potential to engulf the entire planet. Nobody could have predicted any of this in February 2020!  

If only one could curl up in a ball and wait for the waves to blow over! Sadly, most of us haven’t got the luxury of time nor the means to remain in a foetal position for any length of time.  We are mandated by the pressures of our primal need for food, shelter and clothing to rise each morning, put one foot in front of the other, and try to navigate our way through the chaos, to make some meaning out of multiple meaningless situations.  

One thing that hasn’t changed however, is the power of music to lift the mood, elevate our perspective and let a glint of light through.  Music is able to transport us from a miserable place to one of deep joy and peace.  From sadness and sorrow to  quiet and rest. 

So I want to encourage you to make room for music in your lives at this time. Allow it to penetrate the walls of your home, bringing with it, tranquillity and peace. 

Follow the link below for a relaxing classical music playlist that you might enjoy.  Even if classical music is not your thing, today might be your lucky day!

My Gratitude Jar

Twenty-one ways in which I was blessed in 2021:

1. Emotional Healing

2. Reconciliation

3. Provision

4. Friendships

5. Vision

6. Courage

7. Creativity

8. Growth

9. Clarity

10. Destiny Helpers

11. New Experiences

12. Knowledge

13. Physical Healing

14. New Skills

15. New Connections

16. Renewed Faith

17. Fresh Revelations

18. Rekindled Love

19. Restoration

20. Amazing Books

21. Family Reunions

Thank you 2021. Much respect for the darkness and the pain. We pulled through by grace. We move forward in faith.

Hello 2022…. We here!

Leaving a Legacy

When I was 5 years old, my dad signed me up for piano lessons. This was later expanded to include recorder and singing lessons also.

In my early teens, when I struggled to maintain my motivation, he would not let me quit, saying “you need options in life”. Meaning, you don’t know which of these skills will be your source of livelihood.

Today, on the 5th anniversary of his passing, I can only say he was so right! My chequered career has taken me from IT Consultancy to Project Mangement to Education Management and now, Music Education.

Something else Dad often said was, “When I die, I may not leave you a fortune but one thing I will bequeath you is a good education”. This has indeed been his most valuable gift to me and a legacy that has been passed on to my children, all of whom enjoy making music as part of their everyday lives.

I am a fan of what I call the “everyday” musician. Ordinary men and women, from all walks of life, for whom music is an integral part of their lives. People who enjoy music making because it completes them, not because it’s a source of their livelihood, not because it makes them famous or rich.

In our instagram feed, my music school regulary features men and women who are known as surgeons, business moguls, enginners, ambassadors and so on, but who are also accomplished musicians.

The commonly held view, especially in Nigerian culture, that learning to play an instrument is somehow detrimental to one’s academic or career prospects cannot be farther from the truth.

Indeed, learning complex harmony instruments such as the piano, using structured teaching approaches, has been shown to improve executive function, thereby enhancing one’s chances of success in other fields.

I will forever be grateful for my father’s legacy, how he gave me a well rounded education, that incorporated music alongside literacy, numeracy and science. He supported my music lessons for 11 good years, until I turned 16, when I started to prepare for my University entrance exams. Sadly, I had an unsympathetic music teacher at the time who was unwilling to adjust his demands of me musically to my academic realities and so, reluctantly, I quit. With hindisght, that could have been avoided had my teacher been more sympathetic to my predicament at the time. Music could have been my refuge from my academic workload, had he not been so rigid. But that’s a story for another day. Several years later, now a grown woman with little children, I found my way back to my first love and have continued my pursuit of music learning ever since.

For those parents who share my father’s passion, and are looking to encourage their children to maintain an interest in music learning, I highly recommend Nathan Holder’s book – “I wish I didn’t quit music lessons“. It’s available on Kindle.

And for those parents who would like to introduce their children to the joys of music making but are not sure where to begin, then I suggest you try out our recreational music clubs for starters. The clubs provide an opportunity for children to learn to play their choice of instrument in a relaxed, social setting, and are a good way to guague interest in an instrument.

Alternatively, for a more intensive expreience, you can sign your children up for private lessons on approval. This is where we give your children four weeks of music tuition, before you decide whether or not to take the plunge. You don’t pay a penny until you are certain you would like to continue with lessons. If you find that they didn’t enjoy the experience, you wont be charged for the lessons taken.

I will forever be grateful for my father’s wisdom and commitment to “giving me options” which has now touched his grand children, and I hope their children also.

Sing the old song for me dad.

your “Bibi” x