Loneliness is one of the biggest killers of a loving relationship or marriage. It’s possible to be lonely when you are together as well as when you are apart.

We have experienced both types of loneliness in our marriage and the effects have been devastating both times.

Our first experience of loneliness came during our courtship years. We had enjoyed an intense year at University, spending lots of time in one another’s company, talking endlessly, getting to know one another’s convictions, beliefs, ambitions…. It was a beautiful season of close friendship and fellowship. And then, abruptly, there was an uprising on campus, with students protesting against the brutal military regime of General Sanni Abachi. The campus was shut down and everyone dispersed home for an unspecified period of time. Unknown to me at the time, that was to be my last time schooling in Nigeria. 

In October of that year, I arrived at cold, wet, Manchester University, my father’s Alma Matta, as a second year transfer student from Obafemi Awolowo university.

The love of my life was several miles away and in the days before mobile phones (yes, those days really did exist), we had no easy way of communicating. We relied on snail mail, and whenever I was able to rustle up some change, long distance phone calls from a coin operated telephone booth.

I missed my soul mate terribly. And he me. Desperately lonely, we both soon found solace in other people’s company, forming unhealthy relationships that threatened to destroy our bond.

Yet, despite the mutual betrayal of our promise to be faithful to one another, we were held together by a bond that was greater than our frailties. The relationships we formed with others did not have the same degree of soul connection that we shared. While those relationships were precious in their own way, they were fundamentally unfulfilling and a counterfeit to the real thing.

By God’s grace and mercy alone, we found our way back to one another, we did the hard work of forgiveness and reconciliation and a few years later, we were happily married.

We resumed our intense love for one another’s company in the first few years of our marriage. It was beautiful. Just like the old days. We went on silly adventures together and we talked and laughed a lot. We had very little financially, but that didn’t bother either of us much. We were happy and carefree.

Then children started to come along, and the demands of family life and the necessities of needing to pay our bills and put food on the table began to take its toll.

We needed to build our careers and fast if we were not going to drown in debt. We lost our joy in one another, and spent more time in strained silence or senseless bickering.

We stopped being a team and didn’t enjoy being in one another’s company. We started to drift apart. This time, the loneliness persisted despite the fact that we shared a home and a bed. These dark times lasted for several years and took its toll on us and on our children also.

Then COVID came. And it became impossible to avoid one another. I started to go on long prayer walks like the one I am on right now and the fog on my heart began to lift. I listened to different sermons by a preacher that I loved and respected and I began to notice the log in my eye. The unfair and unloving ways in which I was treating my husband, the deep disrespect that I showed him through my words and actions. And I began to repent. I knew we needed help but hubby was resistant to having outsiders meddling in our business. He was of the opinion that we would only end up hurting each other more with unguarded and unfiltered comments in front of a stranger. So I had to find us help some other way.

I scoured the internet for marriage courses and stumbled upon a book called His Needs, Her Needs that seemed to have good reviews. I bought the book for myself and started to read it. It was an eye opener, going into greater depth than the sermons I was listening to. I found so much understanding of why we were the way we were. And how some things won’t ever change and that was ok. I made peace in my heart with my forever friend and my attitude towards him began to soften.

I affirmed him, I trusted him more, I challenged his decisions less. And I found so much freedom and peace.

I bought the workbook that accompanied the book and tried to get hubby to read the book. This was first met with the usual resistance but from time to time, I would share a paragraph from the book with him and it would resonate with him. I don’t know what made him pick up the book but eventually he did. And he read it all. We had turned a corner.

From a place of deeper understanding of our individual needs, we were able to let go of long held resentments and expectations. Our friendship was rekindled. We started to laugh again, we started to date again. We had found each other once more.

So now we are in phase 3 of our relationship. The children are grown up now, and grand-patenthood is around the corner. New realities await us. We are shaping a new normal.

Today we share an office, we work on each other’s businesses, and we are excited to hang out together – just like the good old days.

We still spend periods of time apart and while physical distance is unavoidable, we are not lonely anymore. Thanks to tech, even when we are not in close physical proximity, we are in touch multiple times a day, our heartbeats remaining  in sync.

I don’t know who I am writing this for. But if loneliness is plaguing your relationship, do the hard work of finding yourselves again. For us, we were able to achieve this through the pages of an old fashioned book written by an elderly couple. For you, it might be something else. But if you can weather the lonely years and rediscover yourselves, you will realise, as we did, that we always  had what we were looking for all along. The treasure we sought was right there, waiting to be rediscovered.

I don’t believe that our journey towards one another would have been possible without our shared faith in God. Ultimately, I believe He orchestrated the circumstances that led to our reconciliation to one another. But, as always, He shows the way but the decision as to whether or not we take the path remains ours to make.

Here is a link to His Needs, Her Needs on Amazon (not an affiliate link): https://amzn.eu/d/0e5fK7o3. It’s available on Kindle also.